In Boredom
I often get overwhelmed, anxious or stressed,
Being with you, alone, no itinerary or inspiration,
It sparks inadequacy, uncertainty and an insecurity,
I hate that sometimes I don’t listen,
My bandwidth stretched I keep saying give me a minute,
But deep down I know, I’m just delaying cuz I am bored,
Parenting can feel boring to me sometimes,
But we are stuck here for ten days inside,
Swaying between joint activities and solo distractions,
I find my love for you,
I am falling for you my little child,
Like the day you took your first breath and I exclaimed “holy shit she’s so beautiful”
I catch myself thinking that same thing again,
In the moments you entertain yourself,
The moments you dance and smile as I watch you,
When you lean on me during the movie,
When we argue cuz I’m tired and falling asleep and you don’t want to,
When I see how big you have gotten,
When I look into your eyes and we laugh together,
When you make your own jokes or explanations for things…
I think about all you have seen and witnessed this year,
It’s no wonder you look so big to me,
You’ve seen me in love, in heartbreak, in rage,
In joy, in triumph and in sadness,
Between two homes you have experienced big changes this year,
I see you trying to make sense of things,
You experienced some loss and confusion,
We have talked about gender, death, genitals, pregnancy, shame, the opinion of others and many other big topics,
Who knew 4 year olds could be so wise…
I’m inspired by how you wake up a new person each day,
Ready to move on like yesterday is truly in the past,
That time I woke up and reiterated that I’m sorry for not listening yesterday,
And you laughed at me saying “we already talked about this”
You’re right, we did…
As a parent I fear passing on pain, being like my mom, or making you feel any type of negative unworthy feelings,
I know I’ll never be perfect and it’s unrealistic to think I can constantly pay undivided attention to you but I guess I wish I could,
Cuz u deserve it, you’re pretty awesome ✨
