My Bisexual Journey

Largely influenced by my reading of Greedy, I came to accept that I was a bisexual who also wanted Bi-Romance.

The subtitle of the book, “Notes From a Bi-sexual Who Wants Too Much” sums up a large part of Bi shame, guilt and confusion. It helped me understand why it’s so much easier to go the “straight route” but that it’s also why I always felt something was missing.

I felt so validated by the struggles and internal battles she bravely exposed as part of her experience. Her reasoning for the importance of visibility and owning sexuality out loud really helped me understand that identifying with a word could liberate a side of me that needed to be acknowledged to be explored.

Dating women in my 30s wouldn't be easy and I knew I’d be faced with assumptions, struggles and I'd constantly question myself.

Thanks to Florence Given’s Women Don’t Owe You Pretty, I knew I was influenced by Compulsory Heteronormativity and had to undo a lot of my own internalized misogyny.

With gender norms out the window, I am still redefining what I want romance to look and feel like. Accepting that my romantic confidence was largely based on easier to impress straight men wasn't a fun reality but it’s been rewarding to work through.

Leaving my romantic comfort zone to date women felt like a win, even if dates turned into friendships, the conversations and experiences helped me gain insight into my bisexual brain.

With straight men, dating is quite linear but with women I was in my head, at battle with my understanding of what is happening in the moment vs what I wish was happening, or wasn't.

Overtime I became more comfortable and the more experiences I have the more clear it becomes. It’s been a perk that women are much more comfortable with emotions, questions, boundaries and overall communication. Naturally helping me let go of my inner critic and so much guilt! I know I am not alone to worry that I may be too needy, too emotional, too unsure, curious or whatever else. So far that has been less of an issue in the queer dating scene.

It is definitely an ongoing process to be a confident bisexual.

I still struggle with the “do i admire her, want to be her or be with her” thing and even find myself having the same question with men. Thankfully all the Bi friendly books have prepped me to let myself explore these questions instead of judging them. It’s the gift that keeps on giving, as I can even talk about it with most people I have met who in the end completely raise the bar for me in my expectations of relationships.

It’s also made me understand more of what I want and what I don’t. What makes a friendship different from a romance and what values are important to me for a partnership. There’s many in betweens and overlaps but so many of my lifestyle and sexual desires have been validated that now it would be extremely hard for me to settle for less. The sheer normality of all typically “straight” taboos has led to major leaps in self acceptance.

Being honest with both yourself and others breeds a more fluid and accepting relationship whether it's friendship or more.

And it seems like nothing is completely off the table in my queer relationships, which I’m learning, puts my anxious brain at ease.