Indigen-ish Identity

At 34, I am the most comfortable I’ve ever been with most of my identities but still feel imposter syndrome when confronted with a chance to state that I am Indigenous. I have lived in Kahnawá:ke for brief periods of time in my life but was not fully integrated into the community due to our entire family being inbetweeners. I knew I belonged at my grandmother's house, but never felt belonging in the community. It was a vital fact that I had to be on guard- ready to defend who my mother or grandmother was, if I was out playing or running errands.  I knew why the community was guarded about potential trespassers but I also felt no delight in needing to prove why I was allowed to be there. This led me to grow up with a lot of shame around my identity and privilege. I knew there was no shame in being Indigenous but because claiming so doesn’t inform anyone of my position in the world, it always felt unjust.

For most of my life I would identify as a Canadian, it was easier. Being mostly Anglo I didn’t see the Queb aspect as important. Until I met anglo Ontario Canadians and realized they were much more “english” sometimes more religious and way less european in their way of living. The contrast made me value my Queb-ness.

I like the more socially free, child like humour of being a Queb who doesn’t give a fuck.

En plus, when I met my daughter's dad who is un vrai Quebecois des deux bors, I realized life is somehow way funnier in Quebecois and I valued that.  But around the time we were planning to have a child, I started to learn more about my Indigenous-ness and multiple identities.

By birth I am an Anglo Quebecois, Canadian, born to an Indigenous Quebecois mother and a Jewish, English father. I am also a bisexual/bi romantic, poly-ish or into some form of non monogamy and a mother. I’ve long avoided labels and identities by fear of potentially being discredited by whoever was to challenge me. I felt too weak to take any scrutiny and I am no expert on any one way of being. So it has taken me some time to accept that it’s actually ok and there is in fact a lot of value to being un paquet d’affaires.

I sometimes wonder what it would feel to grow up Indigenous, in a community with traditional values but the fact that neither me nor my mother knows what that feels like, validates my inability to position myself.

Instead, I feel at home in the unknown.

If you exist in between multiple worlds, it takes more time to find your people and the safety to feel comfortable learning who you even are. It’s no wonder our generation is taking more time to mature. We've grown up without community. Learning to be an authentic adult takes more time when it's a solo journey. I’ve never even witnessed the power of positive communion. Instead my mother and much of our family were rejected by their own people, showing me that yearning for acceptance can lead you on an exhausting path to nowhere. Sure I don't know what it means to grow up with Mohawk values and words but I do know what it feels like to be living with white privilege and generational trauma. I get to choose when it feels safe to “disclose” who I am.  And this in between has put me in positions where I am able to share my perspective without anyone feeling threatened or scared to say the wrong thing.

At a time when marginalized people were collectively admitting they were so tired of needing to defend their right to exist that they could no longer educate people on why they should care.

I needed to understand both sides and get comfortable talking about what I know and don’t. Perhaps I could bridge the gap between two worlds? Like many Indigenous people, I am not the most educated on the culture, language, history or politics but my experience is still valid in certain contexts.

It is not fully our fault that our own identity and communion was stolen from us. I have witnessed not only my mother’s struggles but my two sisters who are fully Indigenous and that must have some value. When many of us were scared to say the wrong thing publicly,  admitting connection and a partial belonging to a group as a public learner was the most approachable stance to take. Not knowing everything was in fact my strength, being an inbetweener who's comfortable talking about Indigenous issues from a personal, non academic standpoint made me a safe space. A quiet but important ally.

So as of now, I feel confident saying I am Indigen-ish. Which to me is acknowledging your ties to the land and its original people, while also feeling like an imposter in your yearning for more connection to it. It’s wanting to know more but carrying shame around your inability to know where to go for it. It’s wanting to claim who you are but fearing being challenged, questioned or put to trial. It is knowing that you do not feel comfortable claiming indigenous identity, because you know enough to know that indigenous issues are more urgent and important than your own. You don’t want to claim space from people who already have so little. You just want to bridge the gap, learn more and seek relationships that honor that connection …because some part of it feels like home.