finding home

I’ve recently come to the conclusion that it is highly possible that I have little to no idea what a home is…

I know what it looks like and what it feels like to walk into a warm inviting space. But I have no idea what home should feel like over time…

As of now, a home has been:
a pied a terre,
a place to crash,
a box to unravel in isolation (when necessary),
and yet strangely I still identify as
a home maker…

I absolutely love turning 4 walls into a home.

I’ve seen my mother do it time and time again,
transform blank space into art,
home; a place where love and care is splashed onto windows & walls…

I am wondering though,
because I haven’t had the chance to attach to
any one place before moving again,
what merits a long term home?
what would one feel like?
Is it felt initially or is it made intentionally?

I know I feel most at home when my space reflects me,
when the walls mirror how I feel,
the art like little windows into my soul-
the miscellaneous things speaking for me…

I like when it’s lived in,
just slightly imperfect,
cozy enough to relax and feel human…

I remember cleaning my room as a child and then strategically placing items around so it wasn’t too perfect,
I guess staging my own room for the life I wished I was living…

Reflecting back on my first ever home
it starts to make sense…
what is a home if your first home bred chaos?
what if that home’s tranquility turned to violence?
the love turned sour?
and with no warning, peace was out of reach?
what if you only had a brief experience of what it is to rest and digest?

Than it would be no wonder why you are much more comfortable in fight or flight…

Home has been where I touch base in small intervals, between effort and action. Like a charging dock, I plug in just long enough to feel ready to get drained out again….

There was no physical home around me,
no home in my parents,
and definitely no home in any humans around me,
no physical thing to hold and trust,
my grandparents were a respite,
appreciated, but not a long term solidity….

Home had no choice but to be in my head,
nothing physical stayed around long enough to lean on,
I felt a constant confusion,
so it made sense to befriend my thoughts,
my ration, my way of connecting the dots…

I feel safe in my head, making sense of the non sensical.

Feeling is quite exhausting,
it takes presence,
a safe space, a conscious calm to tap in and listen…

My thoughts however, run amuck whether I like it or not,
like a productive energizer bunny it just keeps going and takes almost no conscious will…

This skill developed for emotional survival has brought me many places and I’ve yet to regret one journey it’s brought me on. However it does sometimes get in the way…

Specifically when nothing needs to be decoded,
when things are, just alright. When I should just trust life and lean into being…

I’m just 34 and can probably count on one had the slices of time where I was able to just be,
it was rarely long, peace was temporary delight before a confusing puzzle would come my way….

So I built my confidence on resilience, on doing well with what I have, on decoding people, on witnessing others, validating them, creating safe spaces for others to grow, loving and trusting them more than they could themselves. All the while yearning for the same attention, love and care…

I guess I assumed that if I could learn to understand others and develop a sense of control to what’s around me then, I would finally have the skills needed to understand myself. And ultimately be able to “control” myself. Maybe then I would finally feel good, seen and safe?

And now, since everything I believed to be solid has crashed and burned, it has opened time for me to be my own solidity. My own home, physically. mentally, inside and outside. I have figured out enough about the world and people around me to grasp that…I can most definitely build it, my way for me…

I can create a sustainable home where I am allowed to just exist and transform, in peace. A magical space to rest, digest, feel all the feels, create, dream and care for all the people and things I love. A place where I can be cared for too, to finally feel what it is to be safely at home- for a while.
<3