Motherhood: The Heroine’s Journey
“The truth is that motherhood is a hero’s journey. For most of us it’s not a journey outward to the most fantastic and farthest flung places, but inward, downward to the deepest parts of your strength, to the inner most burried core of everything you are made of but didn’t know was there...”
When I was thinking about writing about identity and the labels I’ve long resisted, motherhood came to mind. It’s silly to say because it’s obviously just a fact…I am a mom. How could I resist, feel confused or not like a mother? But then again can’t that be said about any identity? You just are. You can't not be. But the resistance is wrapped up precisely in the complexity of the word. How I feel about the word and how society speaks of the role. When you look at how much responsibility is wrapped into this role & that with it will come judgement, it’s easier to understand.
It’s not until recently, and she’s 5 years old. That I admitted to myself that I need more “mom friends.”
Up until now I’ve kind of been able to compartmentalize my life in a way that my friendships and mothering run side my side. Rarely overlapping except on odd occasions that felt neat and easy.
But the more time that passed the more tired I grew of needing to compartmentalize the different parts of me. Both from my friends and from my child. She deserves to know my friends, she should know what adult friendships looks like. I also need friends that accept and are stoked that I’m a mom and genuinely care. They should want to take part in that. But being a part of the generation where a lot of people my age don’t want kids and didn’t grow up around children, you feel and see how avoidant people can be around tiny humans.
When I sat with the fact that I was long avoiding other moms too, it was a few things…
One, I barely feel like a mom and am unsure which moms I’d want to be friends with. Why I don’t feel like a mom is not because I don’t love mothering, it’s because I don’t want to sit at a park and talk about the latest Costco snack haul. I don’t find the most interesting topic to be developmental milestones or surface level discussions. I wan’t to chat about the real deep shit that’s going on inside, like how we love them to death but also wanted to run away to the woods or chuck them on the balcony ‘cuz we just had enough.
“A mother’s heroic journey is not about how she leaves but how she stays.”
I want mom friends that like me, are creative, brave and unwilling to let motherhood be their sole defining characteristic.
I want to know how they are making time for their art, their curiosities, their sexuality and friendships. How they are or are not fulfilling their desires. How their relationship is or isn’t going. I want to know about the inner turmoil they’re experiencing by staying & still actively fulfilling their outside desires. How they feel inside trying to do it all, because I know it’s chaos.
I have nothing against societies “mom culture” but that has never felt like me and never was my version of motherhood. My version of motherhood is feminist, complex, spiritual, sexual, creative…whole. It’s raw, it’s honest and it’s largely built on being more than “just a mom”, maybe redefining what a mom even is. Modelling motherhood as a cherry on top instead of the entire sundae of a womb having woman’s life.
It’s not easy to make mom friends, you don’t just decide one day and they pop up.
It’s a vulnerable journey when you’re someone who’s adverse to small talk and more of an observer in group settings. Thanks to the patriarchy, I tend to be more concerned with how people are probably judging me than interacting with people.
I guess that makes me judgemental but finding your tribe is complex and we are animals, we feel vibes. And TBH most parents are probably feeling just as insecure. Regardless it’s the weirdest of social experiences…kids birthday parties, school gatherings, park play dates and other family things, but I guess it’s just what comes with.
So anyways, this is just my way of saying hey, if you’re a mom and you don’t feel like a mom you’re not alone. If you need mom friends, me too…just let’s not only talk about snacks and the kids cuz I know there’s an entire world inside of you begging to be seen, heard and encouraged to come out. Let’s be those moms.
